Purposed.

Yesterday morning woke me up and shoved me back in my bed. I rubbed my eyes and stretched my bad shoulder as my brain raced my heart in circles.

What am I doing with my life?

I looked around my borrowed basement apartment, and my eyes fell on the small mountain of clothes lurking in between my bed and the wall. I hate cleaning, and I'm really bad at it.

I walked through the day ahead, and realized that I'm title-less. None of my activities fit on a resumé or pay stub. The "so, now that you've graduated college..." conversation causes discomfort because my answer hates boxes. That conversation happens for one of three reasons. Either people care and are curious, they want to force conversation, or they want to sum up how valuable I am.

To people in category three, I would like to say this: I am worthless. I am unemployed. I seem lackadaisical; I am living for free in a basement and hanging out with kids and college students all day, every day. I am not contributing to your Social Security check.



Last night, when I sat back down on my bed and stared at the unmoved clothes mountain, I didn't need an answer for any person.
I'm learning, listening, and loving.
My purpose lies beyond that which would promote me in the future. In fact, I hope to never promote myself. If anyone thinks highly of me, or if my body is in top physical form, or if I have any of the comforts of this world, or if my spiritual life is a deep well, and that is the extent of my life, I am a total and utter failure.
If you look at me and see an amazing, wonderful person, I need to ask for your forgiveness.

If I accomplish "nothing", and the world forgets me as it stares in awe at my Creator, I have succeeded.

I pray that God uses me like a garden tool to prepare soil as His Will is done on Earth as it is in Heaven and that no one will look at the shovel instead of admiring the garden.




And speaking of shovels, Jesus said that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains. I need to go switch the laundry.