Roots.

"And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is." Ephesians 3:17-18

"I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of my love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the LORD, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.’" Hosea 10:12

If you look back through my last two blog entries, you will see a stark contrast. Over December, God hit me with His Love. I didn't really believe God loved me three months ago.
Why? If God really loved, how could He let someone so precious to me deteriorate and then die? How could He let me be in an emotionally abusive relationship? How could He let me be abandoned by my "friends" in those moments of desperation? If He really loved ME, why did I feel like He was just using me to show everyone else in the world how much He loved them?

I believed that God loved everyone else because I have this deep love from God for every person I meet.

But I didn't think God loved me because I didn't believe that other people loved me. And I didn't believe other people loved me because I didn't believe God loved me.

And I didn't let myself be vulnerable enough with others to allow them to love me... because I didn't believe that they did.

Distrust is a vicious cycle.

Breaking this cycle requires more than a good pep-talk.

We need the Holy Spirit to grow us and change us. I had this picture in my head of myself as a growing plant. I'm being cultivated. I'm relearning how to walk. I am taking my thoughts captive to the mind of Christ. I can't sit around and wallow in my sorrow or self-depreciating mindsets.
Yes, I'm not perfect. I'm not even close. There are a whole heck of a lot of things about me that I just don't like. BUT God loves me, in spite of and because of them.
I can't judge God based on the people in my life who have rejected and abandoned me. He is perfect. They aren't! He is Creator, they are created. He is Holy, we have fallen.

I believe God loves me. And, finally, I believe that other people love me, too.
I need God. I need people.

I'm growing, I'm learning, and I'm praying that my roots will go down deep.