Every morning for the past week and a half, I wake up with that thought on my mind.
This morning, I woke up at 5 so I would have enough time to hang out with Jesus before commuting to my self defense class at 7. I lacked the resolve to pull myself out of bed, and I stayed curled in a ball until 9, drifting between prayer and dreams. And, I kept repeating my aforementioned prayer.
God responded pretty clearly.
"Becca, do you want my hand, or do you want my heart?"
I've seen God's hand at work in the past few months more than I have ever seen it before. He has healed me, He has held me, and He is making me holy. In the process of receiving so much from Him, my eyes have shifted their focus from the Giver to the gifts. What a tragedy! I feel like an Israelite. God says of Israel, "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." (Hosea 2:14)
Out of his love, He leads me to a place where I am alone and helpless so that I can focus on Him. His jealous love fights for me and overcomes my self-centeredness, distraction, and pride.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways
acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."
(Proverbs 3:5-6)
When I seek HIM first, I stop worrying about all these things. And, He takes care of them.
God, I want your heart. If you never bless me with anything but a profound understanding of your presence, peace, and power, I will be overjoyed.
Break my strength so I will rely on You. Shift my eyes so I will see your face. Form my heart to be filled with your love. Let me belong to only You.
Father, I want your heart.
Thanks for sharing - so convicting and comforting. I have found myself praying bigger and bolder prayers which are often the prayers that are terrifying to pray as well - such as "Lord make me humble" or "Lord break down my walls to wear I am soft and moldable again."
ReplyDeleteHowever, He's honored these prayers in immediate and unexpected ways.
I was struck by your used of Proverbs 3:5-6 because it's part of a sign in my office that reads
"..you thought I was exactly like you?..."
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways...so is my Word that goes out of my mouth. It will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purposes for which I sent it..."
"..But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hops is in His unfailing love."
[Ps 50:21, Isaiah 55:8 & 11, Ps 33:18